First Moments
by mvdiva
Summary: Chapter 5 posted. (Complete) Kenshin dwells on his past transgressions, and ends up hurting and confusing Kaoru in the process.
1. Default Chapter

_Hello all.__ I promise to play nice with all the characters, seeing as how they don't really belong to me anyway. Please be kind and review. I'm not a newbie, but this is my first venture into the RK universe, and I haven't seen the entire series yet. Bear with me. Be warned, fluffy fic ahead. Thanks for reading!_

**First Moments**

"'Tis the most tender part of love, each other to forgive." 

**                      —John Sheffield**

            It was one of those nights where one was lucky to be inside. Lightning cracked across the sky, unnaturally illuminating the grounds of the dojo and casting eerie shadows within. There was a long silent pause where absolutely nothing moved, and then thunder boomed loud enough to rattle pebbles lying on the ground. 

            Within the relative safety of the dojo dining area, Yahiko twitched nervously and then nonchalantly tried to pick up the fallen grains of rice from his lap. At his right, Sano tried to stifle a chuckle as he slurped up the last mouthful of his miso soup. Numerous candles held darkness at bay, but their flickering light added to the strained dinner atmosphere of the Kamiya kitchen. Kaoru caught the slight trembling of her student, and winked at him reassuringly, only to have the boy stick his tongue out at her during the next thunderclap overhead.   

            Trying to disguise her own shaking hands, Kaoru carefully placed her bowl of half-eaten rice on the table, and rolled to her feet. Sano and Yahiko looked up at her questioningly, but she waved them off, turning to address the unaffected rurouni at her right. The young woman tried to catch his eye, but it seemed that the red-haired swordsman wasn't even aware of her presence. 

            "Um…Kenshin? Thanks for making dinner." He continued stirring his untouched rice. Kaoru glanced at Sano, who had a concerned eyebrow raised at his unresponsive friend. She shrugged, and bent down to tap him on the head. Before her hand could even come close enough to touch, she found herself on her knees; wrist caught in an iron grip. It had all happened so fast that she hadn't even had a second to react. The man's surprisingly strong hand had grabbed hers in a vice grip, and she was an inch away from his face without even a moment to scream.

            The angry golden eyes of the battousai held her in a trance. They stared at each other for a moment before he dropped his head and released her arm, pushing her away. Kaoru was too frozen to rub the throbbing appendage. _Those eyes…she thought, just as Sano reached across the table, roughly pulling her shoulder back until she unfroze and unceremoniously sank to a seated position. Kenshin's thick bangs covered his eyes, and Kaoru continued to stare at him as Sano examined her wrist. The ex-hitokiri didn't move, and she turned to examine the angry red mark on her wrist in a sort of dazed fascination. _

            "What's wrong with you?" The kamiya master turned to watch as the fighter-for-hire grabbed hold and violently shook the smaller man by his shoulders. "Do I have to drag you outside to smack some sense into you?" Slowly Kenshin's head raised and he stared at the taller man impassively. "You could've snapped her wrist!" 

           The sorrowful familiar face turned to take in the damage, and then his gaze traveled up to the shocked woman's face. "This unworthy one is truly sorry." He whispered. Another flash of lightening streaked across the sky, illuminating the rurouni's glittering eyes. Thunder immediately followed, crashing ominously overhead. A distraught Yahiko rose from his seat and ran off in the direction of his room without a word. 

            Kenshin's gaze left her face to trace the path of the retreating boy, and then dropped again to his lap. Strong, slender fingers fiddled absently with a single chopstick. Neither Kaoru nor Sanosuke could think of anything to say that would break the heavy silence that was punctuated only by the sound of heavy rainfall on the roof of the dojo. 

            Over. Under. Over. Under. Back to the beginning. Repeat. The chopstick wove an invisible web between Kenshin's fingers. At the back of her mind, Kaoru noticed the slight tremble to the movement, but didn't comment. Sensing that there would be no more violence this night, Sano climbed to his feet. "I'm going to bed." He announced, throwing a wary glance at the unresponsive rurouni as he made his way to the room at the back of the dojo reserved for his overnight stays. 

            His retreating footsteps echoed in Kaoru's head. The sporadic blasts of thunder had died down to an occasional grumble; perhaps lamenting the end of the storm. Candlelight reflected off the chopstick flowing between Kenshin's fingers. The movement lulled Kaoru's mind until the action became almost hypnotic in front of her eyes. Why wasn't he talking to her? She cast back over the past few days in her mind, searching for any telltale cause for his violent outburst. Flashes of the red-haired man laughing with Yahiko and the girls flitted in front of her mind's eye. Nothing in particular came to mind. 

            It wasn't as if he would tell any of them if something was wrong, anyway. Kaoru knew it and accepted that fact. Getting Kenshin to admit much of anything…well, it would be easier to pull every strand of hair from his thick skull without him noticing.

            Although, that probably wouldn't be so hard right now, considering the fact that his mind was probably thousands of miles away. In fact, she would be lucky if-

Snap.

Wooden splinters exploded in all directions, tearing Kaoru away from her musings. At first, she could only stare at the remains of the chopstick. Reality gradually crept in. Those had been expensive! Her anger surfaced finally, and Kaoru opened her mouth to begin the verbal tirade that was sure to wake up everyone within a three-mile radius. What stopped her was the sight of her bewildered Kenshin staring wide-eyed down at the splinters in his palm. The familiar purple had replaced the golden color that signified his battousai side, and she gasped when he turned his head to look at her straight on. 

            "Miss Kaoru, I…" He stopped. She was only slightly aware that her mouth was hanging open, but it didn't matter. _His eyes, _she thought again. _So much sadness…_ Her jaw closed with a snap as his unguarded look was quickly hidden behind the happy-go-lucky mask of the wandering swordsman. "Forgive me, Miss Kaoru. I do not know what came over me earlier tonight." 

            He tipped the chopstick remains into the forgotten bowl of rice, and reached for her injured hand with both of his. Her hand moved forward of its own accord. With total gentleness, he cradled her wrist in one hand as he traced the forming bruise with one slender finger. It strayed over a tender spot, and Kaoru pulled her hand back, cradling it to her chest. Kenshin froze, hands in midair. A flash of some emotion crossed his face, but before she could name it, the look was gone. 

            Whatever it was, it made her feel the need to retreat. Her wrist was only a little sore, but the thought of those glowing golden eyes made what little she knew of his past to be even more threatening. With a small sigh, Kenshin pushed himself to his feet and held out a hand to help her up. She hesitated, and there was that flash again in his eyes. This time, she understood it. Pain. Sorrow. Guilt. A silent understanding moved between them, and then she used his proffered hand to pull herself up. 

           They stood face-to-face for a long moment. Whatever tormented memories he was currently suffering through…well, that was only for him to know. She did not regret pulling him out of the silent reverie, even if that price was the wrist that now throbbed in time to her heartbeat. Kaoru was sure he would spend every waking moment apologizing to her tomorrow. Her eyes flitted over his face, looking for any crack in his mask. "I…wanted to thank you for making dinner." The excuse sounded pathetic even as the breath left her lips. She closed her eyes, valiantly wishing that this whole meal had been a bad dream. Maybe she would wake up tomorrow and-

            Kenshin grabbed her good hand and lifted it to his left cheek. The deep scar was hot against her palm. He held his hand over hers lightly, offering her the possibility to pull away. When she didn't, he closed his eyes and nuzzled against her hand once before dropping his own away. She was surprised at his forwardness, but also at her unwillingness to remove her hand. His face was so warm against her skin that she temporarily forgot to breathe.

            "You're very welcome, Miss Kaoru." Her hand dropped down to where his neck and throat met his shoulder. The skin under her hand rumbled as he cleared his throat. A slight blush crept over the rurouni's cheeks that flared vibrantly even against the waning candlelight, and he dipped his head to hide the telltale flush. "It's late." Kaoru found herself saying. "I think I'll go to bed."

            The man nodded thoughtfully. "I am sorry about your hand." He paused and then stopped, unable to continue. Kaoru smiled softly at him, hoping he could see that she wasn't angry. Although she might never fully understand him, Kenshin was one of those people who could communicate with more than words. For now, that was enough. 

            She dipped her head at him. "Goodnight, Kenshin." He managed a little smile, but the weak light only caught a pale imitation of his usual grin. Before he could say anything, she turned on silent feet, and glided away to the haven of her room. 


	2. Chapter 2

_Wow folks, I've gotten a lot of feedback on this story. Thanks for that. I appreciate everyone who has given me little pointers on Kenshin's character. Believe me, there is a reason why everything is happening the way it is. Please read on, and continue to review. _

'He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.' 

**Friedrich Nietzsche**

Chapter 2

            He stood in the darkness watching her back until the darkness swallowed her slim figure down the hall. Sheepishly, Kenshin rubbed at the back of his neck, willing away the tension that had been building there. The tight knot finally relaxed, and he set about putting away the remains of dinner.

            From its place on the tray, slivers of the ruined chopstick glinted up at him before their unceremonious disposal into the compost pile outside. After making sure that all bowls were emptied of their contents, Kenshin found he was unwilling to let go of his dinner dish. 

            Remains of rain clouds filtered out the moonlight, casting a pale glow over the dojo inner courtyard. There was just enough light for the red-haired man to trace the hairline cracks where his fingers had clutched the ceramic. _Did I do that? He wondered. It didn't seem possible, but then he remembered the look in Kaoru's eyes and the bruised flesh of her wrist. With a sigh, he tossed the bowl into the heap; kicking some scraps over to hide it from Kaoru's wrath should she ever find he was breaking her dishes. _

            Chores completed, he did one last patrol around the perimeter of the Kamiya dojo, and then trudged back to his room. Once inside, he quietly slid the door shut, and crossed the floor to the welcoming futon. The sleeping yukata lay neatly spread over the covers, and he shrugged out of the familiar gi. There was a slight crackle behind him, and the rurouni whirled, instantly on the offensive but there was no attacker. He chuckled lightly as the lone candle sputtered once more in protest as another drop of rain leaked down through the ceiling to join its mates in a small puddle on the floor.

            _The roof needs to be fixed, that it does. Perhaps he could start tomorrow, right after he returned from the market with the week's groceries. Curiously, he approached the candle and bent to pick it up. From a different spot in the roof, another drop of rain plopped down to land squarely on the left shoulder of the dirty gi he carried. Kenshin stared at it, transfixed. In the weak light, the drop grew darker until it resembled a single drop of blood. _Of course, it was never more than one._ A smug voice spoke up in his mind. _

            Kenshin closed his eyes, trying to will away the memories that clamored for his attention. One fought its way to the top of his consciousness, and the strength of it turned his knees to jelly. He collapsed to the floor and gave into the hopelessness of the memory.

            _It had been raining. The Battousai normally didn't care about the weather, as long as it didn't interfere with his assignment. This rain felt different. It soaked through to his skin as the hitokiri crouched in a tree, waiting for the coach carrying his target to pass by. _

_            With his heightened senses, the clopping of the horses' hooves was as hard to miss as the nose on his face. Within minutes, the carriage was right under him, and the golden-eyed man dropped down lightly to land on the roof._

_            What followed was a typical one-sided fight. His orders had been to kill a man called Road Runner and anyone in his company. The man had somehow sold precious information about a shipment of gold to the wrong people, and now his life was forfeit. It didn't really matter anyway, because the Road Runner's bodyguards were less than worthy adversaries. _

_            Only a few moments passed before the muddy road around the carriage was littered with corpses. The Battousai allowed himself a moment to watch his enemies' blood run with the rainwater before he turned to the pathetic weasel cowering inside the coach. The horses were long gone, as was the driver, and there was nowhere to run. His ears picked up the sound of someone weeping in terror as he approached the door, but nothing prepared the hardened hitokiri for the sight that greeted him inside._

_            Curled up in a far corner was a young girl. Two thick black braids hung down, conflicting with the beige pattern of her kimono. Narrowing his golden eyes, the Battousai estimated her to be perhaps ten or eleven years old. Nothing more than a child, and definitely not the man he had been sent to kill._

_            "Are you the one they call the Road Runner?" The question was futile, but it still escaped his lips. At the sound of his voice, the small figure cringed and shook her head, trying to bury herself further into the cushions. Cautiously, he stepped into the interior, mentally cursing whoever had gotten the information wrong. This would not do at all. The girl had most likely seen his face, and there was no way she could live. No witnesses as to the face of the feared Hitokiri Battousai meant he could go as he pleased without being recognized._

_            Sensing his movement, the girl uncurled with a shuddery gasp and shifted to face him. Her face was puffy from crying, and fat tears continued to roll down her cheeks. "Are you here to kill me?" She questioned. He nodded once, and they stared at each other. After a pause, she spoke without any hint of the former fear in her voice. "Very well then." _

_            She pushed her way across the cushions and waved him aside in a very adult sort of way. The Battousai gazed at her curiously, but backed up. There was nowhere she could run, and having to clean blood out of his clothes was a distasteful chore. Her delicate sandals made a squishing sound as the girl stepped down onto the muddy road. Her braids swung back and forth as she glanced at the fallen guards' bodies. "My father would have been most displeased." The girl sniffed in a lady-like way, and a handkerchief appeared out of one her sleeves with which she wiped at her face. Once satisfied that all traces of her tears were gone, she turned to face the hitokiri. "Thank you for allowing me these last moments." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I will die with honor."_

_            Intrigued in spite of himself, the Battousai regarded her. The freezing rain made the light kimono cling to her form, and telltale shivers wracked her thin body. She stared back at him defiantly before dropping her eyes to the katana at his side. He drew the powerful blade out and held it at his side, allowing the rain to run down its length in rivulets before disappearing into the ground._

_            "Are you the Road Runner?" He asked again. She shook her head, wet braids flinging water droplets to either side. "He is my father." Her trembling hands came together in front of her. They clenched so tightly together that the knuckles appeared stark white against her pallid skin. "I was sent as his decoy." It was impossible to miss the bitterness in her tone as she dropped her eyes down to the ground. The Battousai once again cursed this assignment, and all those whose deaths were required to bring about the new era._

_            He stood indecisively. There was no way the girl could live. He repeated the phrase silently as he pondered his options. Enemies whispered that the Hitokiri Battousai was a monster of the purest kind, devoid of emotion or compassion. In battle, that was true. But out here…he closed his golden eyes and raised his head to feel the cold rain as it pounded mercilessly down on his face. "Very well."_

_            The girl stared at him, all pretense of calm gone. He could practically smell the fear emanating from her as they locked eyes across the distance between them. "You will still die." She swallowed nervously and glanced around at the empty road behind him. "It will be quick. Your actions have proven you to be honorable, and you will die as such." When she turned back to him, her face was completely blank. He covered the distance to where she stood. "First, tell me your name."_

_            In spite of herself, the girl looked surprised. "Fuyou Ibara." She stammered. He nodded. "Your death will help to bring about a peaceful era. Take comfort in that." She smiled sadly at him, and knelt down in the muddy road. "I'm ready." Hands clasped in her lap, the girl bowed her head. The sword swung once, and the body swayed a moment before collapsing into the mud. _

_            The Battousai wiped the blade clean with a piece of cloth, and sheathed it at his side. An unfamiliar urge made him reach out, and turn the body facing up. In death, the girl looked peaceful, as if she was only sleeping. His fingers were almost numb with the cold, but the red-haired man untied his gi and folded the garment over her face and upper body. "I will remember you." The words seemed foreign coming out of his mouth, but with a start he realized that they were true. _

_            He took one last look over the road full of bodies before the cold was too much on his bare chest and back. With a deep sigh, the Hitokiri Battousai made sure the katana at his side was thoroughly secured before disappearing back into the cold woods._

            Kenshin Himura, the simple wandering rurouni came back from the harsh memories of his past with a jolt. He felt wetness on his face and realized that it wasn't rain but tears. With a terrible sort of wonder, he brushed at the moisture and looked at his fingers. It was so easy to close his eyes and remember them slick with blood as he stood knee-deep in a field of death.

            _Twelve years…it has been that long and I can still remember her face. His head tilted back and he let the tears flow. Twelve years was a long time to mourn the death of an almost-total stranger, but he never forgot his promise to her this exact date so many years ago. She would have been older than Kaoru by now: alive, happy…maybe with a family of her own. _

            Fighting off fatigue and the growing cold, the rurouni finally dragged himself over to his futon in order to reach the sleeping yukata. He quickly changed, discarding his dirty garments for the soft sleeping clothes. In the moonlight that drifted through the thin walls of his room, the futon looked wonderful. As soon as he took a step towards it, the same sniveling voice in the back of his head piped up. _Not tonight you don't._ It lectured._ Remember your promise, Wanderer. _

            "You're right." Kenshin whispered into the darkness. He crossed the room to pick up his sword. Its weight seemed heavier tonight, but knowing this blade could never kill was a strange comfort. He pulled it over to the corner with him and slid down the wall into a comfortable position on the floor. After a moment of rearranging his limbs, the red-haired rurouni tucked the sheathed sword into its familiar position at his right side. That night, he closed his eyes and dreamed of the rain.


	3. Chapter 3

_Me__ again, folks. Standard disclaimers apply. I just want to warn everyone that this may be the last chapter to this story for a while. (Probably about a week, at least.) Summer classes start in a few days, and I probably won't have time to pen another chapter. Expect a short dry spell. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story. Me love you long time! A special thanks to Haku Baiku for archiving this little fic of mine on her lovely website (Go check it out! www. hakubaikou.com ). Once again, thank you everyone. All of your reviews have made this story a labor of love to write. (Versus just a labor.) Anyway, enough babbling. On with the story. _

**First Moments**

Chapter 3

            The ceiling truly was boring. In the faint moonlight, Kaoru could pick out the shadow of several thick beams overhead, but they were not the cure for her insomnia. She stared up into the darkness, hoping sleep would come. _No such luck. She rubbed at her aching eyes. By her mental figuring, it had been about two hours since the incident in the kitchen. _

            Overall, it had been a pretty weird night. The scene at dinner kept replaying through her mind, leaving her wide-awake. After a full day of training-no, yelling at-Yahiko, she was usually asleep instantly. The assistant master to the Kamiya dojo shifted onto her right side, curling up into the softness of her futon. She tried closing her eyes. It worked for a minute, but then Kenshin's face projected itself clearly onto her closed eyelids. With a sigh, she sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees. _What's_ wrong with me?_ Although the night was quite warm, she could not suppress the shudder that rippled through her body. _

            Despite her relatively young age, Kaoru considered herself quite knowledgeable in the ways of the world. Her father's students had whispered about everything, but the stories she remembered best had involved the latest news of the battles that took their toll on the country. As she grew older, the older boys' whisperings expanded to include outrageous tales of men who killed like machines. The assassins were fearless legends whose ruthlessness knew no bounds.

            Especially ones like the Hitokiri Battousai. She repeated the words aloud. As expected, there was no reply. _And now__, that same legend is living under my roof._ The irony of the thought made her smirk. Only…he wasn't just the Battousai. Kenshin appeared to be just a simple man with no attachments to any place other than her simple dojo. His short stature and almost feminine features always caught attackers off-guard. If she didn't know any better, Kenshin would have been a completely harmless man, incapable of even hurting a fly. And then, his past would catch up with him. It always seemed to happen at the most inopportune times.

            Tonight, for example. After her initial anger and confusion had subsided, Kaoru could still not get the image of those glowing eyes out of her head. It wasn't as if she hadn't seen him like that before. Whenever he was forced to protect his friends, the Battousai peered out. But tonight, there had been no mortal enemies of the Battousai to provoke his inner demon. _At least it wasn't your cooking that set him off. She mused. He had seemed all right when she helped him prepare dinner. The sound of rain on the roof had been pleasant background noise to signify the end of a typically tiring day. Of course, it had only been a light rain at that time._

            _That's__ odd. She thought. Her mind caught onto the rain idea, and backpedaled to study the thought further. __As it started to rain harder, the more quiet and withdrawn he became. Granted, Yahiko had been a little upset over the thunder, but that was only a childish reaction that adults like her had perfect control over. Mentally, she heard Sano laughing at her from some hidden recess of her brain. Shaking her head, the young woman buried her face in the blanket covering her knees. _

            "Think, Kaoru!" She murmured. Why was he so upset? It wasn't hard to see that he had mentally been far away when she tried to touch him earlier that night. It had been stupid of her to try and shake him out of his reverie. She wasn't stupid, but she still hadn't noticed that anything was wrong. The redheaded man had sworn to protect her, though. Didn't that include protecting her from himself? She raised her head and rubbed at the sore spot on her wrist, wincing slightly. It wasn't that bad, but she was willing to bet that he would be back to his old self the next morning, following her around with "Sessha" this and "Gomen nasai, Kaoru-dono" until she went crazy with his constant apologies.

            After his strange display of affection only a few hours ago though, it was going to be hard to put up with all that groveling in the morning, especially if she couldn't get to sleep right now. Again, she tried closing her eyes. This time her hand began to tingle where he had held it against his scarred cheek. If it hadn't been for that scar, she would never have believed that the gentle rurouni really was the feared Battousai. Maybe someday he would tell her the story behind that loathsome mark, but for now, her curiosity was centered on the evening's events. She needed some answers. After all, Kenshin was her friend. If he needed to talk, she would always be more than willing to listen. The only way she could ever confront him about whatever was troubling him had to be now, while it was still dark. Her cheeks were already burning at the thought of what Sano and Yahiko would say if they knew she had been in his room, but that was a risk she had to take. 

            With a decisive grunt, Kaoru threw back the light cover and rose. Sometime during her musings, it had completely stopped raining. Her footsteps were light as she stepped out of her room, but they echoed down the hall nonetheless. Making sure that her sleeping hakama was tightly secured, Kaoru paused outside his door. _What are you doing?_ _Plan on just walking in and asking what's wrong in the middle of the night?_ "Shut up, brain." She whispered, and quietly slid the door open. 

           The room was filled with bright moonlight and dark shadows. Her eyes sought out the futon in the center of the room, expecting to see his still form curled up. Kaoru gulped upon viewing the empty sleeping mat. _Where is he?_ She wondered, and poked her head fully into the room. Finally, she spotted him over in a dark corner. His back was up against the wall, right arm wrapped lightly about his sword. Luckily, his eyes were closed. Kaoru watched him for a minute, noting the steady rise and fall of his chest. He looked so peaceful there. Her gaze took in his face. His brows were crunched together, and she could imagine the movement of his purple eyes beneath their lids. 

            Well, whatever he was dreaming, it certainly wasn't about doing the laundry. As she watched, his arm clenched tighter about the scabbard, drawing it in even closer. A muscle in his leg twitched, and a soft puff of breath escaped his lips. Kaoru took a step into the room, intent on wrapping the nearby blanket around his shoulders. She got halfway across the room before his whole body tensed and she froze. _What are you going to say when he wakes up and finds you in his room?_ There was no good answer for that one, and she frowned slightly. That would be a problem, wouldn't it? Well, it wasn't as if she had any less-than-honorable intent in being there. 

            Deep within the dream, Kenshin visibly relaxed and Kaoru resumed her cautious tiptoe. With a quick yank, the blanket came untucked from the corners of the futon, and she approached him. From the right side, there was no trace of the scar that covered his left cheek. He looked completely innocent; almost like a little boy, and she felt a small smile cross her face. Kenshin could be quite dense at times, but sometimes she could not help but wonder if it would ever be possible for him to feel the same way she did. Besides, he looked really cute when he was sleeping. _Baka__.__ Get your mind back where it should be. __Well…here goes. She sucked in a breath. The blanket tucked itself nicely between his right shoulder and the wall, leaving Kaoru holding the other edge. There was no reaction from the sleeping man. She stood holding the corner of the blanket for at least thirty seconds, waiting to see if he would wake up. _

            Pleased with her apparent success, Kaoru pondered how to get the reverse-blade away from his tight grasp so she could wrap the rest of the blanket around him. Idly, she wondered what it would be like to be held so tightly in his strong arms. The edge of the blanket threatening to fall out of her slack grasp snapped the nervous girl out of her train of thought. With a mental prayer to the gods, she wrapped her hand around the base of the scabbard and tugged. Suspiciously, his arm relaxed against her ministrations. There was little resistance to her efforts and the sword was set aside with ease. Suddenly remembering the look in his eyes as her palm cupped his cheek, Kaoru gently folded the remaining edge of blanket between the sleeping man and the wall. Careful not to trip over the sword, she backed away a few feet to stare at him. 

            There was still no sign that her actions had awakened the sleeping man. His head now tilted slightly towards his left side, casting soft shadows over the planes of his face. A motherly urge to rush up and tuck him into bed tugged at Kaoru, but she ignored it, gliding soundlessly out of his room and shutting the door softly behind her. The trip back to her room was uneventful, but Kaoru felt the first twinges of sleepiness weave into her body as she crawled gratefully between the warm covers. She fell asleep with a smile on her face, the last image to mind being that of her sweet rurouni sleeping peacefully. 

~

            In actuality, the red-haired man was wide awake. The bloody dream he had been trapped in faded away as soon as the assistant master's footstep reached his ears. There was no way that anyone other than one of his friends could have gotten so close without him sensing their presence. It had been a valuable talent during the nights the Battousai had slept outdoors, but Kaoru had no knowledge of this. Her ki, normally a light blue feeling, was tinged with the yellow of curiosity and a slight bit of fearful red. Since he had decided to feign sleep, it was an eternity of waiting behind his eyelids to hear her movement again. 

            He heard the small grunt as she pulled the blanket from the clutches of the futon. The whisper of the thick material against the wood floor was as loud as a shout to his trained senses, and therefore it came as no surprise when he felt her hand tuck the corner behind his shoulder. It was almost too easy to play like this. He should let her know that he was awake without scaring her, and apologize for his actions at dinner. Then again, it felt good to have someone fussing over him like this. 

            The ghost of a smile threatened his mouth as he felt her reach tentatively for his sword. He thought briefly of making her fight for it, but most likely she would have fled, so he tossed the idea away, relaxing as her small hand tugged at the sheathed sword. Her movements were fluid as she moved, placing the slim weapon quietly on the floor and moving to his other side. Kenshin allowed his head to ease slowly to the left, and he peeked at her as she stood staring down at him. From his position in the shadows, she couldn't see the moonlit glint in his eye. 

            Unaware of her not-so-sleeping rurouni, the girl's eyes took on a faraway look before her grip on the blanket loosened. Kenshin shut his eyes fully as she resumed tucking the errant corner behind his other shoulder and arranging the blanket over his arms. What had he ever done to deserve the attentions of this tenderhearted woman? He heard her quiet retreat, waiting a full minute after the door shut to shift positions. Guilt came flooding back to him as he remembered how he had injured her. If the perpetrator had been Sano, he would not have felt any of this. Kenshin's eyes flew open, tinged with flecks of gold. If only he had not allowed himself to get lost in memories of the past, Kaoru's intrusion would not have ended in injury. The reflex to grab at anything near his face had been one of the Battousai's many tricks. It kept him alive and unharmed. 

            _Haven't__ you left that life behind? The flat, emotionless voice in his head was the one Kenshin associated with the Battousai aspect of his personality. He _had_ left that life behind. The bloodlust and violence were explained away as necessary attitudes for the hitokiri to survive. That part of his personality had carefully been buried away! He had worked so hard to keep that part of himself locked away. But despite his best efforts, memories of the past still brought forth the darker version of himself. Thinking about the past only meant that it eventually found him again, which also meant that any of his friends could get hurt. Y_ou proved that well enough tonight._ The mental voice chuckled. With a shuddery sigh, Kenshin leaned forward to rest his head in his hands. Kaoru-dono had been the latest casualty in the war with himself. Even despite his harsh reaction to her simple gesture of thanks, the blue-eyed girl still showed him forgiveness. _And___ affection…don't forget how **undeserving you are of that. He closed his eyes briefly, regretting the truth of that thought. **_

            There was no way he could face her tomorrow morning. Pretending to be asleep to avoid her was one thing, but he couldn't hide from her or the others forever. Without a doubt, there would be questions in the morning. It hurt every time he lied, putting a smile on his face and telling her that he was fine to avoid the truth. Knowing that he had hurt her, however unintentionally, was bad enough. Giving into the pull of her goodness was worse. Never in the years of training with Hiko had there been a lesson on how to avoid matters of the heart. Tomorrow morning he would get up to do the laundry, and see that bruise on her wrist. Kenshin deliberately banged the back of his stupid thick skull against the wall, silently cursing himself. No retribution would erase the coldness of guilt that had settled into his bones. 

            Tomorrow morning, he would find a way to set things right. First thing, he would apologize to Sano and Yahiko, who had certainly been upset by more than a mere thunderstorm. Kaoru was a different matter. He had hurt her. No matter how many times she forgave him, Kenshin doubted he would be able to forgive himself. She did not deserve someone like him…someone who could ever hurt her. Yes, starting tomorrow he was going to protect her, even if it meant from himself. 

            The fresh memory of her eyes staring at his supposedly sleeping form came back stronger than ever. He caught himself rubbing the cheek she had so recently caressed, wishing that he could freeze that moment forever. No man with his stained past could ever be deserving of that look in her eyes, but it had been there regardless. Even in the middle of the night, Kaoru looked lovely. Her sleeping yukata was rumpled and her hair was messy, but he couldn't imagine a more beautiful sight. Her image comforted him when he least deserved it. Kenshin doubted that he would sleep again this night. 

            The feel of hot tears welling in his eyes contrasted sharply with the coldness of his body, and the rurouni gathered the blanket closer about him. After all, she had placed it on him, and the simple gesture was worth far more than words. He fell asleep, and dreamed again of rain; only this time each drop was as a warm tear, one for each person dead at his hand. The gray sky poured down all the sorrow of the Battousai's blade and flooded the world. 

`*'

AN: _Oh__, and if anybody has actually pondered the title of this story…well, don't. There isn't any specific reason I named it as I did. 'First Moments' just happened to be the first decent title that popped into mind. I'm off for some good old sleep myself. Sweet dreams, and thanks for reading. _


	4. Chapter 4

As always, all characters are copyright of their respective owners. 

**AN**: Welcome to Chapter 4. I'm sorry that it took so long in coming…summer class decided to jump me from behind and as a result, my creative efforts have been nil since my last posting. Anyway, from the way it's looking, this is going to be the last chapter. I finally thought up a little scenario to tie in with the title, which is important to me and happens in all my stories. Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful reviews! I've been floating on Cloud 9 ½  for a while. Unfortunately, I'm afraid of heights. Somebody help! Thanks again to all my readers and especially Haku Baikou for archiving this humble little fic. 

**AN2:** This is going to be a severely short chapter. My muse decided to take a vacation, and I'm not much without any idea of what to write. So…onward.

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. 

**-Bertrand Russell**

            Warm rays of sunlight gently brought her out of a deep sleep. With a happy sigh, Kaoru stretched and yawned mightily. Already she could hear birds chirping outside, and the smell of something delicious cooking brought a smile to her face.

            She sat up. The rush of blood flushed away her morning amnesia, and the emotions from the night before came back with a flash. In response, her cheeks reddened. "What was I thinking?" She asked a patch of sunlight on her blanket. It had no answer for her. Images of herself unabashedly tucking in the sleeping rurouni played before her eyes. _He couldn't possibly have been awake. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with tucking in a friend. _At that thought, she paused, hands frozen in midair as she tied her obi securely. 

            _Is he just a friend? Normally the no-nonsense voice of her conscious would have said yes, but after last night's strange episode, she didn't have a good response. Kaoru's nimble fingers combed through her long hair as she puzzled over the recent turn of events. The futon folded into its corner along with the blanket neatly placed on top. There was no reason to stay in her mostly empty room, but the assistant master of the Kamiya dojo suddenly found herself unable to walk to the kitchen. _

            The sound of Kenshin's warm voice chatting with Yahiko reached her ears. The boy had run off quickly last night, disturbed by Kenshin's strange actions. Apparently they had reconciled. Kaoru rubbed her hand over the smooth doorframe, biting her lip. _Get a hold of yourself! You are the assistant master in the Kamiya Kasshin style._ She straightened slightly. There was nothing different between her and Kenshin. Last night was just a fluke.

            Everything would go back to the way it was before last night's dinner. Her wrist didn't hurt in the slightest, but the rurouni's eyes would beg forgiveness for the entire day until she eventually knocked him on the head with her bokken a few times in an effort to wack the guilt out of his thick head. Kaoru shook her head and shoved the door back. It was going to be a long day. 

*&#^@*@$

Sorry. Horrible, I know. This is somewhat of a filler chapter….patheti-sad, ne? Anyway, if anyone curious, the quotes on each chapter come from the lovely www.quotationspage.com, which also hosts many quotes from all different topics. 

Also sad: my notes on this chapter are longer than the chapter itself. *sigh*


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:** Well, uh…heh. Whoo, boy. This last chapter took much, much longer than even I am willing to admit to. I'm sorry! I'm sorryImsorryimsorryimsorry. Ironic how the last chapter is the longest, right? Anyway, I hope you enjoy. This chapter is pretty long, and I hope it brings things to a decent close (or at least makes up for the shortness of that last chapter). Please let me know what you think. As always, thanks for reading. 

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. 

**                                                                -Peter Ustinov ******

Chapter 5

            Early rays of morning sunlight peeked over the walls of the Kamiya dojo, bathing the yard in a warm glow. A bird twittered loudly from a nearby tree, drawing the attention of a red-haired man kneeling over a washbasin. He looked up sharply at the offending creature, causing it to flutter away in alarm. Cold golden eyes contrasted sharply with the innocent daylight.

            The creature of bloody memory retreated back into the darkness, leaving an exhausted rurouni staring down at the large hole he had rubbed into one of Yahiko's training yukatas. With a groan, Kenshin sat back on his heels and held up the ruined garment. There was no way that this could be fixed, at least not with his limited skills. Kenshin held the material up to one eye, sighing when he could see the front gate clearly through the hole. 

             "Now I owe Yahiko an apology and some new clothes." He said aloud, and wondered for a moment if the small stack of coins in his room would be enough to cover the costs. _Enough of that. Snapped a small voice in his head. __Your apology for last night would be worth more to him than new clothes. Kenshin closed his eyes and recalled the look in Yahiko's eyes. It was an emotion he was used to producing in people. The smell of fear practically rolled off the bodies of the Battousai's victims; the smell of rotten unwashed flesh as they sensed Death with a flashing blade seeking…_

            He dropped the offending material into the dirt and smacked the side of his head hard. It seemed that the memories were coming more often recently, as if to remind him of the first time he had willfully killed an innocent so many years ago. Kenshin sighed and picked up the now-dirty yukata and tossed it back into the wash basin. If he tried to do any more laundry, it wouldn't be only Yahiko's old garment with a hole in it. Anyway, the rest of the group would be awake soon; maybe it would be best to get breakfast started. He hung the clean pieces of laundry and headed for the kitchen. 

~

            Before long, the smell of roasting vegetables filled the kitchen with a pleasant aroma. Sano stumbled in first, looking more rumpled than usual. He nodded his thanks as Kenshin set a bowl of rice and steaming greens out and wolfed down a helping without a word. Idly, he watched the short rurouni stirring rice and occasionally adding a bit of spice to the contents of his cooking pan. The street fighter scratched his head, wondering if he should intrude on the purple-eyed man's private thoughts. Eventually he threw caution to the wind. 

            "Well?" Kenshin started, and then sheepishly turned to look at his friend. "Well what?" He replied innocently. Sano sighed, and tossed his chopsticks into his empty bowl. "You know what I'm talking about. What's with that look in your eyes? And what about last night?" The rurouni's smiling mask twitched lightly, letting the brown haired man know he had hit a nerve.

            They stared at each other, one challenging and one hiding until Kenshin turned back to stirring the items in the pan. He pursed his lips thoughtfully before speaking. "Have you ever done something that you wished more than anything to take back?" Puzzled, Sano blinked at him. What was he talking about? There was the uncharacteristic outburst with Kaoru last night…maybe he meant his whole past as the Battousai. He paused, unsure of what to say. Curiosity wanted him to take the smaller man and scream for him to just spit it out already, but after spending time with the enigmatic man, another part wanted to treat his question as diplomatically as possible. Finally, he settled for cracking his knuckles. Kenshin seemed frozen, waiting for a reply. There was a small amount of desperation in his eyes that made him seem younger than his years. 

            "Sure. There's lots of things that I'm sure we'd all like to change." He nodded to himself. "I would've done some things a lot different…maybe used some words instead of my fists to get outta trouble." He grinned a little in memory as Kenshin chewed on his lip. "But that's not to say that I'd go out and change things if given the opportunity." He continued. "Sometimes things happen for a reason, whether you planned 'em that way or not." 

            A spark appeared in the gentle man's purple eyes, and Sano sat back on his elbows, satisfied. It was at that moment that Yahiko wandered in, rubbing his eyes and sniffing his way to the small table. Kenshin was careful to smile at the boy, and even gave him a larger helping than Sano had managed to consume. The young boy gave his breakfast mate a few questioning glances, as if to ask "What's with him?" When the object in question turned his back for a second, the shoulders of Sano's "Wicked" jacket shrugged up and down once. Yahiko sniffed lightly, and dismissed the abnormally cheerful attitude of the short swordsman.

            Unbeknownst to both, Kenshin was trying hard not to laugh. None of their silent communication slipped past him, but he didn't let on otherwise. The sudden change in his demeanor had been the result of Sano's carefully chosen words. Sometimes the spiky-haired rooster was smarter than he appeared. _Some things happen for a reason…whether you planned 'em that way or not."_ The truth of Sano's words had hit Kenshin with a resounding truth: it was all in the past. The past was over and done with. He could bemoan it until his dying day, but it would never change. But now…

            "I have the present and the future to think of." He whispered, and this time he did miss the curious look Sano and Yahiko shared. It was as if  a great burden rose off his shoulders and fluttered away into nothingness. He felt his heart lift for the first time since realizing the anniversary of blood and cold rain was nearing. Maybe today he-

            The scent of soft jasmine wafted into the room, drifting directly to his nostrils to alert him of her presence. He deliberately turned his back to her as the feeling of euphoria dropped his heart with a heavy 'thud' back into his chest. Kaoru's voice exchanged greetings with her student and freeloader before the expectant pause grabbed and dragged him to turn and face her. 

            Guilt weighed heavily upon him as he spotted the already-fading bruise on her wrist. Sano stood, tugging on Yahiko's sleeve as the pair made a silent exit. Keshin's purple eyes dropped back down to the floor. She moved then, positioning herself in front of the table like every morning since his arrival. He still couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes, turning to fill a bowl with care before placing it in front of her. 

            The bowl burned hot against his hand, but he willingly accepted the pain as some small part of retribution for the bruise on her wrist. Kaoru's fingers snapped out and closed around his wrist, causing his eyes to widen before letting out a small squeak of surprise. "You hurt your hand." She stated, and turned his hand palm-up to inspect the heat blisters that were already beginning to form on the pads of his fingers.

            Kenshin tried feebly to pull away, but the girl had his wrist in an iron grip and refused to let go. She tugged at him until the short man was forced into a kneeling poison in front of her. She grabbed his chin with her free hand, shaking it back and forth until he met her gaze. Here, he found he could get lost. Kaoru's innocent blue eyes were filled with emotions he found himself wanting to accept. Trust…forgiveness…hope. She smiled as his purple eyes searched her face. There was so much that he wanted to say to her….so much he wanted to show and give…but his touch was deadly and his love was burdened with sorrow. 

            And then, something happened. Kaoru broke the gaze. The burned fingers of his right hand rose to her lips. She kissed each finger gently, pausing between each digit to watch his reaction. His initial reaction had been to pull away, but her sweet lips against his skin cooled the pain and brought tears to his eyes with each action. When her simple action was complete, Kaoru turned his hand, enfolding her long elegant fingers with his as they kneeled, facing one another.

            Kenshin found his mouth agape as he stared at her. His mind was blank as he tried to comprehend the warm fingers entwined with his. In all rights, he should have never met her; instead heaped with all the indignities that a past like his had earned. But now…now he wasn't so sure that those memories of blood should remain the focal point of atonement for his life. 

            A slight pressure on his hand drew him back. Kaoru smiled gently at him before brushing the fingers of her free hand against the tears rolling down his cheeks. She had so many questions for him, but currently they were all forgotten as he leaned forward and kissed her fully. Time froze for a moment before Kenshin drew back from the blushing assistant master of the Kamiya Dojo. 

            "I am sorry, Miss Kaoru. This unworthy one had no right-" She cut him off with a finger to his lips. "Promise me something, Kenshin." Her voice was soft. At his nod, she sucked in a breath. "Will you tell me someday?" He fidgeted, unsure. "I want to know what makes you cry." He frowned slightly. Such memories as his were not the sort of story anyone would want to hear. Kenshin opened his mouth to protest, but Kaoru cut him off. 

            "I don't care about your past. What's done is done, and no matter what you say or do, nothing can change that." The speech she had planned out for him ended abruptly as the former assassin shook his head and stood. He offered her a hand up and led her to look out at the yard of the dojo. By this time sunlight filtered through the treetops. The twittering bird was back, whistling merrily from its perch. A light wind caressed their faces. 

            "From the first moment I met you, I knew something was bound to change." Kenshin's light voice rumbled. He stared out at the yard, refusing to meet her questioning glance. "Since I came here, there have been many first moments for me." He smiled then, and the act lifted the corners of his eyes. There was a long pause as they stood looking out at the morning. It was quiet, save for the bird's unending song, and Kaoru could almost hear the trees sighing. 

            "I had another first moment today. First with Sano, and then just now with you." This time a graceful eyebrow raised as she looked at him. His gaze turned on her, and Kaoru saw an image of herself reflected in his eyes. "I've come to realize that in order to ever be happy, I need to accept my past. There were many things that I did which I now regret, and as a result of those actions I lost some part of myself in the process." He grabbed her hand and tugged her out to sit on the step beside him. Kaoru followed wordlessly. The red-haired man gently reached for her hand and studied it before continuing. "I think that some things happen for a reason. Sometimes that can be good or bad, but you learn something in the process." 

            He shut his eyes and tilted his face up to the sun, imagining cold rain drops instead of warm sunlight. Kaoru studied his profile, growing slightly impatient as the rurouni gathered his thoughts. "I did many bad things in my past. Last night was the anniversary of one that marked me. By my memory, that girl would have been only a few years older than you are now." Beside him, Kaoru sucked in a breath. Kenshin opened his eyes and looked at her. Those compassionate eyes were filled with tears, but he found himself shaking his head. "Please, do not cry Miss Kaoru. These are old wounds." He smiled at her and stood. 

            She smiled back, swiping at a tear. "There was a lot in your life that I wish you never had to see or remember." Kaoru gnawed on her lower lip before grinning up at him wickedly. "I suppose there are some things you wish to hide, as well." She produced the dish Kenshin had cracked the night before from under the step. It was slightly grimy, but that was to be expected of something that had spent the night hidden deep in a garbage heap. 

            Kenshin's eyes widened. "M-Miss Kaoru…how d-did you…" He backed up as Kaoru pushed herself off the step and advanced. "I can understand a lot of things about you, Kenshin Himura." She said a little too sweetly. "And I can also count. There was one less bowl last night after your little chopstick-breaking escapade…which you also owe me for." The red-haired man managed a pathetic chuckle.

            With a warrior cry, the Kamiya Kashin assistant manager lunged after the wandering swordsman. Dark past or not, she didn't care. However, her broken dish cried out for vengeance, which Kaoru was happy to oblige. Whatever part of Kenshin's past still haunting him was exactly that. As far as she was concerned, his kiss and confession was that of the sweet purple-eyed rurouni, not some monstrous creature from the past. It had been the first time Kenshin had ever opened up to her enough to get a glimpse of the man he could be. Kaoru hoped that first moment was only one of many.  


End file.
